My dad called me a freeloading mess a few weeks ago and now everything I do to tidy up my life is tainted with this I don’t want to do it because you said so kind of feeling… My dreams and who I am and almost everything has changed in the last few months. I just, can’t chase this thing that I was chasing in the past. My interest in health care and policy was from a “I must fix it” perspective, and I learned the hard way that it is impossible for me to do that. It’s also not what I was made to do, not what I desire to do. I can’t let guilt over the world stop me from chasing my dreams. And those dreams right now might require a major career shift. Quitting this fab desk job and start working retails again, but in a rock/gem shop and in an awesome sex toy store. Those are what I’d like to do. And then work on my soft porn content and write my ass off. And save up enough money to go to Art School. I walked onto a campus somewhere and realized this is home and I need to purge my soul and that will inspire and uplift and bring to life all the things I wish I could do but can’t. But I’m not a freeloading fool, I have a plan, a big ambitious plan, dreams, things I can totally make happen. I just need time, and love and patience.
But I totally figured out what’s “wrong” with me.
Awesome. I get it.
Now excuse while I tic out a life time of suppression.
Living with my parents is like living in a cage. An emotional, sexual, spiritual cage. I can feel the cage and its dreaded return no matter where I go or what I do.
I had a break down a couple weeks ago. Had a tantrum in front of my mom. She said I have rage issues. She thinks I’m getting sick again.
But she, the cage, those are the reasons I’m sick. If I’m sick. If I get sick. Its not safe to be wild and myself, she’s stays up late with scorn as I sneak out to do my job (I started driving an escort at night, though she doesn’t know that), to do my thing.
I have a hard time coming back after being away for a while. All I see is a cage, with invisible bars, holding me in and holding me back when my whole soul is ready and aching to burst forward and come to life.
It would be so beautiful,
If I was free.
I feel sick. I’m not sick. I don’t have to be sick. But I’m getting sick. I could get sick.
If I’m in environment where I have to lie or hide myself or feel shame I could quickly regress.
I’m shocked to have discovered worlds that are not riddled with a sense of annoyance.
Coming home after spending 30 hours in a world like that? So hard.
Even with a cold and needing rest. I just don’t want anything to do with this house anymore.
I stayed home from work to study for a midterm today but I think I’m going to drop the class instead. I’m having boatloads of anxiety about the impending group project and the content of the course is just too close to home.
We’re talking about special needs kids and their families. I grew up in a special needs family, I know this stuff already. They talk about trauma and violence. Things that are relevant to me…. its just too hard. Its great to be in a class and know people are learning about this. But I lived it, intimately. I know it all.
It just hurts.
Does that make sense?
Edit: not allowed to drop class. I wish I dropped it sooner when it was possible.